What is Healthy Loving?
Communication Skills for Couples
Managing Conflict in Your Relationship
Telling Your Children About Your Divorce
Healthy loving is creating opportunities to grow individually and together by making a continuing commitment to foster patience and kindness, and making conscious choices to respond to each other as lovers and friends.
Healthy loving is setting priorities in your life so that there is time to create a safe and intimate environment for the ongoing discovery of each other.
Healthy loving is appreciating, respecting, and valuing your partner's thoughts and feelings, even when you don't approve or agree with each other.
Healthy loving is encouraging your partner to grow as an individual even when you may feel threatened by their new directions. It is believing in them even when they don't believe in themselves.
Healthy loving is being responsible and accountable for your own life; the degree to which you experience happiness, love, joy, and growth both for yourself and for your relationship.
Healthy loving is recognizing the need for playfulness, spontaneity, and providing pleasure for each other, thus creating moments that nurture, encourage, and support the relationship.
Healthy loving is choosing not to manipulate or control each other.
Healthy loving is recognizing that being open and vulnerable makes a relationship intimate and special. This requires a willingness to risk being hurt, rejected, and even feeling unloved.
Healthy loving is trusting your love for each other so you can see beyond anger, fear and disappointment and overcome the obstacles inherent in any loving relationship.
Healthy loving is recognizing that love is never enough. It is being willing to learn the skills that are necessary for nurturing and sustaining an intimate and mutually satisfying relationship.
Healthy loving is creative problem-solving through negotiation which leads to a mutually acceptable agreement. It is sharing in decision making and taking equal responsibility for the results.
Healthy loving is aspiring to live in truth and harmony. It is giving freely, receiving graciously, and being thankful, day after day, for the opportunity to be together.
Written by Jacqui Stratton & Susan Lawton: Copyright 1989.
Communication
Skills for Couples
by Sara Lapides, MA, MFT
Lack of meaningful and effective communication is the #1 complaint of most couples who come to me for counseling. Either the partners don't have the skills, (After all … who teaches us how to communicate in an intimate relationship?) the skills they do have go out the window in the heat of an argument, they've reached the point where communication is "functional" (talking about what the kids are doing, what they'll have for dinner, who's going where and when) but not "intimate" (sharing feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc.), or they've given up even trying to discuss anything meaningful because doing so has led to repeated escalation, with no resolution of their conflicts. By the time many couples get to counseling, they are hurt, disappointed, exhausted, angry, overwhelmed and certainly, frustrated.
I believe that most marriages that end in divorce do so because the husband and wife are not communicating well. They don't understand each other. And … after a while, they stop trying. But, it doesn't have to be that way! I have seen dramatic changes in couples (their attitude towards each other, their general demeanor when they come back for their next session) after they learn some basic communication and conflict resolution skills and put them into practice, first in my office, then at home.
A skilled therapist/counselor or coach can see the negative patterns of communication that the couple doesn't recognize (usually because they've become so entrenched in their style of relating to each other). Much of what I do in my practice is educational: in this case, after I discuss with clients my observations about their communication patterns, I begin teaching them more effective ways to communicate with each other.
If you and your partner/spouse are having problems communicating with one another, what I have written below may give you some food for thought and will hopefully, be helpful to you. Some couples can successfully learn healthier techniques on their own. However, most couples benefit from several sessions with a skilled couples counselor or coach to guide the process as they learn new ways of relating to each other.
We are always communicating. Even silence is a form (and a very powerful one!) of communication, but it can mean different things depending on the situation. It can mean we're tired, angry, hurt, overwhelmed, etc. It can mean that we've shut down (whether purposefully or unintentionally) and are not taking in anything our partner has to say. So … how do we know what's going on with our partner?
Honest, open communication sets the foundation for a "best friendship" and a happy, healthy marriage/relationship. It builds trust in the relationship and in each other. Most of us have to learn to communicate well, especially in relationships that mean a lot to us and in which we are very emotionally involved and vulnerable.
How do we communicate in a way that's good for our relationship?
Listen to Understand
Listening takes work. It is not the same as simply hearing what someone has to say. Sometimes we're so busy planning what we're going to say in response, that we aren't really listening to what our partner has to say. Or … we think if we let our partner know we understand what they're saying (and thinking, feeling, wanting, etc.) they will think we agree with them … but this isn't true! Listening well and letting our partner know we've heard them and understand what they're saying makes them feel VISIBLE, VALUED and VALIDATED… and much more likely and willing to listen to us when it's our turn. When we feel understood, we are far more open to hearing what our partner has to say.
Communicate with Respect
This may seem like a simple thing to do, but when we're angry or frustrated with our spouse, or even just busy with something else, we sometimes forget to be kind and respectful to one another. How do we communicate respect for our partner and his or her feelings, thoughts? If you watch and listen to couples who are kind and respectful to each other, even in the midst of a heated discussion, you begin to observe the following behaviors:
• They listen without judgment.
• They avoid saying things like: "That's ridiculous!" "You're crazy!" "You don't know what you're talking about!" "That's stupid!" "You don't really feel that way", etc. They don't say things for the purpose of hurting, humiliating, shaming, or diminishing their partner … and if they unintentionally say something that does make their partner feel bad, they take responsibility for that and validate his or her feelings.
• They refrain from calling each other names.
• They don't order each other around. They ask. They make requests.
• They avoid using things that their partner has shared with them in confidence (things that may make him/her feel vulnerable) against their partner at another time. (i.e. during an argument)
• They don't make assumptions or mindread. See below for more on this.
• They don't tell their partner why he or she is doing something. Usually when we do this, we are attributing a negative motivation to their behavior. "You didn't remember my birthday on purpose!"
• They don't get in their partner's space/face and scream at him/her or in any other way try to intimidate their partner.
• They don't mimic their partner or make fun of him or her.
• They don't use humor/jokes as a way to belittle their partner.
• They are respectful of their partner both in front of others and while they're alone.
• They think about what they're going to say and the impact it will have.
Ask
Sometimes we think we know what our partner is feeling, thinking, wanting, needing, etc. when we really don't. It's amazing how often a husband or wife will say to the other: "You don't know me at all!" It's important that we not assume that we know what's going on with our partner, but that we try to find out instead. It's also important that we don't feel or say: "If you really loved me, you'd know what I want … how I feel" … etc. We can never really be sure what another person is thinking or feeling. We also can't expect someone else to know how we feel loved and cared for. Most people try to show love and care for their partners in the ways that they themselves feel loved and cared for. We need to find out what makes our partner feel special, valued, loved, etc. This doesn't take the romance out of a marriage … it does just the opposite!
Say What You Mean … Mean What You Say
One thing that destroys trust in a relationship is when partners say one thing and do another. Or … they say one thing, but really mean something else. It's so important for both partners to be honest with themselves and with each other. Sometimes, we may not know what we really mean, and maybe our partner can help us figure that out. That's okay, too. The critical thing is for partners to do their best to be "true to their word" so that they can build a trusting relationship that both of them can count on.
In some relationships, partners use words to test each other. For example, in the heat of an argument, one will say: "That's it! I'm out of here!" Or the word "divorce" is used repeatedly, most often as a threat to the other spouse or to manipulate the other so that we can have our way. Remember this: We can't unring the bell! Words can do great damage to a relationship, and once said, it is impossible to take them back, even if we would do anything not to have said them. Testing each other's love, commitment, patience, etc. rarely works; it usually only builds resentment and destroys trust.
Timing is Everything
The best time to discuss something with your spouse may not be exactly when you want to talk about it … for a variety of reasons. He or she may be tired (or not feeling well or distracted or in the middle of something else or just leaving or coming home, etc.) and not want to or be able to give you their full attention.
Although there are times when something has to be addressed immediately, most often we can be flexible in our timing and take into consideration what may be going on for our partner. Especially when it is likely to be an important and/or lengthy discussion, letting our spouse know that we want or need to talk about something and asking when might be a good time to do this sets a positive tone for the discussion. Together, you may want to set some guidelines (not answering the phone, for example) for the conversation. It is a good idea to plan, when possible, for a time when both of you can be attentive to the other and not be distracted.
Avoid Statements or Actions that Create Defensiveness
There are a variety of ways that we can unintentionally cause our partners to feel and behave defensively. When this happens, the discussion may end abruptly or escalate into an unwanted argument. If this happens repeatedly, it can eventually lead to a breakdown in communication in the couple relationship. There are several ways to avoid this:
• Avoid the use of absolutes: "You never talk to me anymore" "You always get angry with me!" "You're late, as usual."
• Avoid laundry lists in which you bring up everything you don't appreciate about your partner's behavior in one conversation (or sentence!). Stay focused and sensitive to your partner. You can be assertive without being aggressive.
• Use "I" statements rather than "You" statements. For example, instead of "You make me furious when you don't call me and let me know you'll be late coming home!", you might say "When you don't call me and let me know you'll be late, I worry about you … or I get upset …" You can then make a request of your partner, such as: "and I'd like for you to call me when you are going to be late."
• Avoid sarcasm. Sarcasm is hurtful and it doesn't help when its effects on our spouse are dismissed or discounted in any way. Statements like: "You're too sensitive" or "You're overreacting" are not only not helpful, they cause resentment and defensiveness in our partners.
We are always communicating … always sending and receiving messages from one another. Some of these messages are verbal and some are nonverbal. Nonverbal communication is said to be even more powerful than verbal communication. Think about the effects of a frown, a smile, rolling the eyes, shrugging our shoulders, turning away from someone … it is important for us to be aware of not only our words, but our nonverbal behavior as well. When in doubt about what your partner may or may not be communicating to you, ask for clarification. And … do everything you can to keep your own communication authentic and clear.
Managing
Conflict in Your Relationship
by Sara Lapides, MA, MFT
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. Because we are all individuals, we will often have differences in what we want or need … or in the timing of those wants and needs. What is important to remember is this: what destroys relationships is not the presence of conflict (unless it is most or all of the time) but the way that conflict is handled or managed. In order to have a healthy and happy marriage, we need to learn how best to handle the conflicts as they arise. Below are some guidelines for healthy conflict management.
• Expect that there will be times of conflict in your marriage/relationship. Don't let those times scare you or cause you to run away. Attempt to resolve the issues, but do not hesitate to seek help and guidance from a licensed counselor or coach if you are unable to handle the conflict on your own. It is a sign of courage and wisdom to reach out for help … and, most importantly, it can save a marriage.
• Practice and use the skills described in the "Communication" materials.
• Do not, under any circumstances, resort to physical or verbal abuse. No one should be expected to tolerate abusive behavior.
• Take "time-outs" if one or both of you is feeling overwhelmed or out of control.
• Take a "time-out" if you feel or think that the argument is going to escalate so much that it won't be productive to continue at that time.
• Use "time-outs" as a way of cooling down and getting yourself under control. Do not use them to run away from an issue or to build up steam for the next round.
• When you take a time-out, commit to coming back to continue the discussion at a certain time. For example: "I'm getting angrier and angrier … I can't even hear you anymore. I'd like to take 20 minutes to get myself in a better place and then we can continue talking about this."
• Do not abandon your partner by walking out of the room, leaving the house, etc. unless it is a "time-out" and cooling off period as described above.
• Remember that it takes two to tango! Be alert to and accountable for your own contribution to the conflict and be committed to learning from it and growing in the process.
Take the time to become familiar with the ways you handle conflict. And … how your spouse handles conflict. Some people withdraw, either physically or emotionally, by shutting down and not speaking to the other. This is a very powerful, but damaging method. It shuts down communication, destroys trust, and builds walls of anger, resentment and great frustration in your partner. Others attempt to win at all costs, ignoring the wishes, needs and rights of the other in order to have their way. There is really only one possible result here: One partner wins and the other loses, but it is the marriage / relationship that ultimately loses. One spouse wins at the expense of the other and of the relationship.
Telling Your Children About Your Divorce
Talking to children about divorce is often a very difficult thing for parents to do. However, it is critical that parents prepare their children and explain what is happening and why. Here are some suggestions for parents:
• Whenever possible, it is a good idea for both of you (together) to tell your children. This lets them know that, as parents, you will be working together and that both of you will be actively involved in their lives.
• Tell them what to expect: At least one week in advance, tell your children about the divorce, that you will not be living together anymore, exactly when Mom or Dad will be leaving the family home, and when and where they will be able to see him or her. Access schedules should never be random: Children need the predictability of frequent and regular contact with both parents. If possible, the absent parent should visit or telephone the children daily for the first week or so.
Some parents will want to give their children more notice in terms of what is happening to their family. Depending on the age of the child, this is fine. Just keep in mind that younger children may become even more anxious if given a lot of time before the actual physical separation. On the other hand, it is never a good idea (unless it is an abusive situation) for a parent to be discovered packing his or her things and loading them into the car. All children will need some time between the announcement and the separation.
• Provide an age-appropriate explanation for the divorce: Studies have confirmed that having an explanation for the divorce that they can understand is one of the best predictors of a child's adjustment after divorce. When no reason is given, children tend to create their own. Unfortunately, they often blame themselves. Even very young children need a simple, clear explanation for what is happening. Children of all ages benefit when parents avoid blaming each other and leave out the details of infidelities, etc.
• Reassure your children of their continuing relationship with both of you. Children become anxious and fearful about losing their relationship with the parent who left the family residence. They need repeated reassurance that Mom and Dad still love them, will always want to be with them and will be there to take care of them. They also need to hear … over and over again … that the divorce is not their fault.
