Mediation is a cooperative problem-solving process in which a neutral and objective professional (third party) assists parents (see below), family members, coworkers, management teams, etc. clearly define the issues in dispute and reach agreements that are in the best interests of all involved. Mediators do not take sides or make decisions. Instead, they help participants resolve misunderstandings and communicate more clearly with one another.
How mediation works: Disputing individuals meet together with the mediator, who is trained to help parties solve problems in a cooperative manner. The mediator guides the communication process so that everyone has a chance to be heard. Conflicts are discussed one at a time and various solutions are explored so that the best possible agreement can be reached. A mediator may offer suggestions and help parties brainstorm and develop options to resolve the issues, but the final agreement is up to the parties.
Communication and conflict-management and resolution skills learned during the mediation process often help with future disputes, and can set the stage for more amicable and productive relationships between the parties involved.
Co-Parenting
Agreements
(Separation & divorce)
A Co-Parenting Agreement defines the rights and responsibilities of each parent and the specific arrangements about such issues as time spent by the children in each household, holiday and vacation schedules, how decisions about the children will be made, etc. The Agreement may be written up by me for the parents as an informal working agreement or filed with the court as part of the Marital Settlement Agreement as a legal contract.
Mediated agreements may be more flexible than court-ordered (and parents retain the decision-making power) solutions because they can be changed by mutual agreement as the needs of families and children change over time. Any change to an agreement previously approved by the court must be filed with the court in order to be legally binding.
A good Co-Parenting Agreement includes guidelines in the following areas:
• Custody: Will custody be separate or joint, and will it be legal (both parents make important decisions about the childrens' lives together) or physical only?
• How will communication between parents be handled? (e-mail, phone, in-person, etc.)
• Will both parents agree to the other parent's autonomy when the children are with that parent?
• What will be done if a scheduled time with one parent cannot take place? How much notice must be given to the other parent?
• Will each parent have "first option for child care"?
• How will each holiday and vacation be scheduled? How long can each parent take children away for vacation? How much notice will be required?
• How will 3-day weekends (school holidays, national holidays) be handled?
• What happens when there's an emergency with a child?
• Will both parents attend school functions? Will both parents have access to school records? Will one parent (or both) supply the other with information about and be responsible for school projects, homework, etc.?
• What activities/hobbies, etc. will the children be involved in? Who will take them to these activities? Who will pay for these activities?
• Who will carry medical and dental insurance for the children?
• Will the parents both participate in college-expenses?
• How will future disputes be resolved?
• How will parents negotiate changes to the Co-Parenting Agreement?
These are some, but not all, of the questions that a good agreement addresses. The more conflict there is between the parents, the more specific the Co-Parenting Agreement should be. This helps to minimize the need for contact and therefore the opportunity for the parents to becoming embroiled in conflict.
Why is a Co-Parenting Agreement so important for you and your children?
When parents separate, a child's world as he or she knew it and his or her sense of stability is badly shaken. While trying to come to some agreement with the children's other parent may seem like a very difficult thing to do (and it often is!) children and parents benefit enormously for several reasons:
• Structure is provided during this typically chaotic and highly emotional time.
• Knowing when they will be with each parent reassures children that their family (and their other parent) is not disappearing.
• Parents and children know what to expect. This greatly reduces anxiety, especially for the children. Master calendars in both households are a great idea: With younger children, whose understanding of time is limited, using stickers to designate time with mom and time with dad is often very helpful.
It is important to keep in mind that a good Co-Parenting Agreement will also honor the developmental needs of the children. For example, as children get older, they can tolerate more consecutive days away from each parent, without experiencing as much distress, especially if there is some continuity (perhaps telephone contact with the other parent sometime during the time away).
Important note: It is a myth that couples who couldn't get along during the marriage can't work together for the benefit of their children. Even highly-conflicted couples can reach agreement in mediation. Parents must decide that they will do what's best for their children. As I often tell parents, sometimes it requires us to reach inside for the very best of us, but it is well-worth it … and possibly the greatest gift we can give our children.
Where there are families, there is bound to be (at least some) conflict. I have never known a family in which all family members get along beautifully … all the time. Therapy, however, is not always necessary or even the best solution. Sometimes what a family really requires is mediation. Whether the conflict involves the whole family or just certain family members, a neutral, third party can often be very helpful. Family mediation involves the same process that is described above. Over the years, I have mediated disputes between sibling groups, between a parent and a child and between spouses.
Mediation
in the Business World
Disputes in the workplace, whether between co-workers or between layers of corporate management, can often be resolved through the mediation process. The individuals or groups in conflict meet with a mediator for one or several sessions, and the same process that is described in the first paragraphs of this section is put into action.
Everyone has a chance to be heard. Issues are covered one at a time. The mediator keeps everyone focused. As the individuals practice more effective listening skills, possible solutions are explored. The mediator continues to encourage and model productive conflict-management and resolution skills. A mediation is successful when the parties reach an agreement that is beneficial to and accepted by everyone involved.
If you would like to talk with me about
mediation, please e-mail me so that we can arrange for a free telephone
consultation.
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